|First appearance:||Conker's Pocket Tales (1999)|
|Color:||Gray and orange (in-game), green (instruction booklet)|
- "This slippery customer is a huge snake who patrols his domain day and night, ruthlessly running down any intruders."
- ―Conker's Pocket Tales instruction booklet
Being the first boss, Hsstamean is easiest to defeat, and Conker will probably not lose any health during the battle. Hsstamean will appear onscreen and start to go down a specified path. Conker must shoot Hsstamean with his Slingshot at any given moment, damaging Hsstamean. After each hit, Hsstamen will start to slightly increase speed, however this will probably not be a problem, as Hsstamean's long body can make up for being a large target. After six hits, Hsstamean will be no more, leaving Conker to his eighth present. Hsstamean's only mean of attack is if Conker physically touches him.
On each side of the battlefield, there are two small areas where Hsstamean will not travel through, which makes them good camping spaces, as Conker can stay in them, safe from Hsstamean's path, and shoot Hsstamean as it passes by.
- The name Hsstamean is probably taken from the organic nitrogen compound known as histamine. The "hss" part of the name is a reference to the hissing sound a snake can do and the "mean" part is a reference to the character being evil and mischievous.